Did you know it is National Infertility Awareness Week?

National Infertility Awareness week is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. It's something we don't talk about enough; get the facts, join the movement, and take charge https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/SPageServer?pagename=evt_niaw09_home

:( Not Pregnant

Well woke up at 3 am with extreme cramps, so not pregnant :( but I knew that. My temp was dropping the last two days, but it still sucks. Called my OB and have a clomid check visit on Thursday with her RN. I have to do this before I can get more meds, and I hope they up the dose because I am not sure 50mg was working. So I will write an update on Thursday. But until now I am just looking for the silver lining and hoping next month will be better.

Infertility SUCKS

I saw this blog entry on http://unfertility.blogspot.com/2008/07/why-infertility-sucks-pregnant-people.html and had to post it...so true.

"Why infertility sucks: Pregnant people.

Reason number two why infertility sucks.

There are things that everyone wants in their lives that they can't get.

You want to buy a house, but you can't afford it.

You want more than anything to be a doctor, to get in to Medical school.

You want to travel to Italy, to see that beautiful country.

You want to have a baby.

A dream is a dream. None are more worthwhile, more beautiful, than any other. Dreams are the precious heart's desires of someone, of anyone. My sympathy, it is boundless for those who want something, want to move on with their lives and reach a goal, live a dream, and who cannot for some reason.

With each kind of suffering, there is a certain uniqueness, a certain kind of pain that no other suffering faces. It's not a "worse" pain, it's not a more "noble" pain, and by the way that's a great way to alienate people, to tell them how much worse your suffering is than theirs. Because the thing is, no suffering is "worse" than any other. It's not a contest. Each miserable person is miserable in their own way.

The uniqueness, then, of the infertility suffering, is the constant bombardment on all sides of people who are having babies, who are getting the thing that you want, the thing that consumes you, that is always in the back of your mind, but that you can't have. Our pain is going into a bakery on a random Thursday afternoon and bumping into yet another friend giving you the news that they're pregnant, that the thing you want is the thing that they are getting. It's turning on the TV or open the latest gossip rag to see yet another flaky celebrity pregnancy rumour.

And you know, you don't begrudge them, you know that there's not a limited amount of fertility in the world. You know that someone else getting pregnant has no impact on whether you will get pregnant, but you still feel kicked in the gut that it was so easy for them, that it should be so easy for everyone, and yet another cycle, another month, another year is passing you by, and everyone else is doing what you wish so dearly you were doing but that you cannot do.

And the real kicker here is that you is not just hearing the stories of pregnancies, but the stories of unwanted pregnancies, of people who get pregnant and who don't want to be pregnant, for whom pregnancy is a disaster. And you aren't angry at the person, you know that every life is different and babies aren't for everyone, but you're angry at the universe for just not making sense...

But this, this constantly being surrounded by pregnant people, this is the pain that is unique to us. And we've learned to adapt. We get the "I'm pregnant!" announcements and we'll smile and say "congratulations" while we silently absorb a kick in the gut and try to extract ourselves conversation as quickly as possible, not willing to break down in front of them and become a massive downer while they want to celebrate their happy news, not wanting to face the sympathy in their faces when they say "So, any news with you....?" And we know we're being rude, but the thing is we don't *want* to make the pregnant person feel guilty by crying in front of them so we run, run as fast as we can in the other direction in order to not lose our shit publicly. Or we quickly change the channel or slap the magazine closed, wanting to watch or read about something other than babies, because babies consume everything that we do and it is just nice to do something that doesn't have anything to do with babies, to go to the bakery or turn on the TV and not have the reminder that someone else is pregnant and you are not at every turn.

So that's why infertility sucks: because the bottom line is, it [messes] with our ability to be happy for anyone else. It's totally perverse."


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the slow wait...

Well it looks like all went okay, I did actually ovulate but not until day 24. So I guess doctors can be wrong sometimes, but I don't know if that means the Clomid is really working. So I don't know... Now we just have to wait till this weekend when we can take a pregnancy test. Time is going by pretty slow.

I am trying to be hopeful that it will be positive this month, but I don't know. I don't really "feel" pregnant. I know its early, but last time I was pregnant (even if it was just for 6 weeks) my boobs hurt SO bad!! And this time they don't at all. :( I am taking that as a bad sign, but then again I don't really remember when that all started. But I am VERY tired! It may be too early for that to be pregnancy related but it is bothersome for sure, and I am hopeful that it is an early sign. I have also really lost my appetite and my skin has broken out, and both of those things happened last time too.

SO who knows?! But as much as I want to be pregnant I am kinda thinking/feeling that I am not. I have to call the doctor next Tuesday if nothing has happened....

yay???

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou

I want to thank all my awesome family & friends for all the support, encouragement and prayers. I feel like they may have worked! I took my OPK this morning and it was negative, but I have been testing twice a day to be sure to catch the LH surge. And it was positive when I tested again at 7pm today. Yay?!? Maybe???

So thanks to all the well wishes I may be ovulating. The doctor said I would ovulate no later than cd21, today is day 22 and the positive opk means I will ovulate in the next 24-48 hours. So we'll see how tomorrow's test and temps go to be sure, but maybe the doctors are wrong an you can ovulate past day 21?

UGH...

Today is hard. I am pretty bummed. Gaylon and I have been ttc for 11 mos and no luck so far. Trouble started about 2 years ago when we first came back from China. I was off bc for a month or so because I could not get the refill over there. And I waited until I had a new job (insurance) to get back on it. But by that time my periods were all over the place. Each month they would get farther and farther apart. I went to see my PA to figure out the issue (each cycle was > 40 days, some close to 60).

After some blood tests I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I was put back on bc to regulate hormones and my cycle. Since we were just married that seemed to work fine because we were not trying to have children just yet. But we did decide to start trying June 09. Since I knew that I might have a hard time I was charting from the begining and hoping that maybe my doctor was wrong and it would be easy for me to get pregnant. After all it seemed like it was easy for everyone else I knew. My sister in law got pregnant while on bc and my mom says she got pregnant with me 6 weeks after getting off the pill. I have more than a few friends that got "accidentally" pregnant without even trying. Besides you are led to believe in sex ed classes that you would get pregnant the minute you have sex protected. WRONG!

I have learned that there is a science to baby making and I am getting my masters in it. First there is not a lot of time each month (make that hardly any) that you can actually get pregnant. Second, saliva, water, lube, they all inhibit sperm from even making it to their destination. And in my case when your cycle is long and there is only a 24 hour window every 40-60 days, my chances were very slim. But we tried hard for a while and then unexpectantly I saw >18 high temps on my cycle in November 09. This usually means that yay, you ovulated and are probably pregnant. I took about 3 tests and they were all negative, but still high temps and no period. I felt pregnant, my boobs hurt so bad. But then one Friday after school I was just going to use up my last test and I couldn't believe it- there was a faint pink line. I called my PA and was sent for a blood test. I found out on that Monday that I was pregnant! But by Wednesday morning I started cramping and bleeding very badly. We miscarried at 6 weeks. :(

Ugh... but we kept right on trying- no luck. I had started to cut out sugar from my diet and watch my carbs and was seeing my cycles become more regular. I had an appointment with an OB who specializes in infertility in January and was hoping for good news. In January I had more tests run and found out that I did have PCOS. But by the time we did all the tests it was March, and now I am on my first round of Clomid which started on 3/20/10. Taking 50mg days 5-9 and using OPKs and BBTs. The paper I was given says I will ovulate between cd 12-21.

Today is cd21 and nothing....all negative OPK (ovulation prediction kits) and I am even testing twice a day so I don't miss the LH surge. :( Temps are low with no rise at all. This morning I thought, maybe today will be the day...but no. :( Called my new doctors office- they are wonderful- and the nurse said that it sounds like I have not ovulated and I probably won't ovulate past day 21. :( :( But she was very sweet and understanding. I felt like she understood what a disappointment this was for me. She told me to just keep taking my morning temperature and using the OPKs and if I don't start my period by cd39 to call them. And of course if I do then to call them that day too so I can go in for a clomid check and get more meds I guess. But I will also bring my chart with me.

I was just excited because I really thought this would work for me. And even though my doctors had said that they were not sure I was even ovulating, I thought that maybe I was since I did get pregnant before. (I stopped charting after the miscarriage until I started clomid) So...sigh...UGH...

But on a better note, my friend Leticia just had a beautiful baby boy yesterday named Ryker. I was able to go see him and he is amazingly adorable! It was a good distraction and I'll be going by after work to see her and the baby again today. I feel like everyone around is pregnant but me...