doing much better

Well I think I have come to a point of what will be, will be. I am not stressing anymore and I am just trying to stay focused on what is right in front of me. I have a wonderful job that I love, my class is amazing this year. I spend 5 days a week with 20 wonderful 6 year olds. I feel good about what I do everyday. Gaylon and I are buying a beautiful home, which has really helped keep my mind off all the depressing stuff. We are busy finding new tile, ceiling fans, and painting. I love doing house things and decorating, its fun. I am even eating better and have lost 7 lbs already ;)

The latest update in all this is that I had a ton of blood work done to see if I had any of the typical issues that cause recurrent miscarriage, and for once on this journey (to my honest disbelief) all tests came back negative. So- no blood clotting disorders, no autoimmune disorders, no lupus. So no besides the PCOS, endometriosis, and blocked fallopian tube... there is still hope. Maybe it will happen, or maybe we'll adopt, or maybe we'll do IVF. Who knows but I am not putting any more pressure/guilt on myself. Or at least I am going to try really hard not to.

Stay busy...my new motto.

Another bad news post...

I had to take some time off of this for a while. Life sucks in some ways right now, but I am throwing myself into work. This year has started off really well, my new first graders seem really adorable. So that is good. We are also buying a house near my parents and that is giving me a lot to think about too.

Well the last cycle worked- for a while. We did become pregnant, which was wonderful. But I knew something was not right, but you know how you hope you are wrong. It started off just like the last time I got pregnant, with a very faint positive on a home pregnancy test. Was trying to stay positive thinking that maybe I am just nervous because this has happened before. Went in for a blood test and it was positive but my hcg (the pregnancy hormone) was low as well as the progesterone- not good. They could do nothing about the hcg but I was prescribed progesterone supplements. Went back in for another blood test 2 days later and my hcg levels were going down when they should be going up. I was told to stop taking the progesterone and that I would miscarry within a few days. I was devastated. Mom was out of town, but thankfully I was headed to see my grandparents anyway. That helped me by staying busy, being spoiled by a wonderful granny and papa, and keeping my mind off what has just happened again. Came home and threw myself into this new school year.

I am doing okay considering all that we have been through. I have had a few moments though, but I am trying to stay positive, but honestly I am losing hope a bit. Next cycle they are going to start doing some testing to see why we are having these recurrent miscarriages. Sigh... I just feel horrible about it all. Can anything else really be wrong??? It seems as though this will never happen for me. And that is very depressing.

Prayers Welcome...

Fingers crossed, prayers said, baby dust ***we had good news today!

We went in for the follicle scan ultrasound and we were hoping for a follicle between 18-25mm, and on the right side. And guess what? We have one very large 23mm follicle on the RIGHT side! I am on cd13 and should ovulate within the next 2 days or so! This will be the earliest (most normal time) I have ever ovulated. So I am thinking I love Femara! And we are so lucky it is on the right side this month.

So say a prayer for us, maybe this will be THE month. :)

HSG Results- official

Kelli (my nurse) called yesterday and said that the HSG results appeared to show that my left tube was closed, but then she said some other things I did not understand but basically that it is inconclusive. Ok? So the next plan is to go ahead with this cycle of Femara and have my ultrasound on Thursday. This will check that an egg is forming, showing the Femara did induce ovulation. And they will also be able to tell which side I am going to ovulate from (right side would be best for obvious reasons). Then if I don't get pregnant this month we will plan for a laparoscopy (surgery) to try to open the left tube and check/treat any endometriosis. So hopefully the ultrasound looks good and I get pregnant this month...we'll see.

Bad news for me...

So we are well into our new plan I guess you could say. We got Gaylon's tests back and he has super sperm, literally. The nurse was giving us his counts for everything and then told us the normal range, he was off the charts in almost everything. Yay for him, suck for me. I feel bad sometimes that he married someone who can't get pregnant and has all these problems. He thinks I am being silly of course, but still I can't help but think that anyway. He has been beyond supportive and way more hopeful than me. I am starting to let this really get to me.

Okay on to my tests. The ultrasound on Tuesday showed that I still had a cyst but it was much smaller and I was ok to start Femara that day :) So I am on 5mg/day for 5 days. There was some confusion at CVS bc they didn't understand why I was taking Femara for infertility bc it is really used to treat breast cancer. She was dumb. Then they couldn't read the slip right and accidentally thought I should be taking 10mg, which I knew was too much! So anyway, I think I will go to a different pharmacy next time. However they were able to bill it so that my insurance would pay for it saving me about $100.

Femara is much better than Clomid, the hot flashes are much more manageable and no headaches.

BAD NEWS... I went in yesterday for my HSG to xray the uterus and fallopian tubes. First of all it was very painful! Second, although being able to watch the xrays right then and there was cool- it was not so cool when I could clearly see that the right tube was filling up and spilling out (good sign, shows an open tube) but I could see nothing down the left side. I asked the technician if that meant that my left tube was blocked. She skirted around the issue and said that it could just be inconclusive. But I don't think she can say since she is not the radiologist but it was very clearly not working on the left side. UGH...blah...sigh..weap...

I am just waiting to hear from my RE about what the Radiologist says. I don't really know what the next step would be with having both PCOS and a blocked tube?? I never thought I'd have a blocked tube bc I have never had an STD or any other pelvic infection. I thought it could maybe be a possibility with my appendicitis surgery in China, but that would have been on the right side and my "blocked" side is on the left. Crazy. So I have no clue what they might suggest next. But this makes sense bc this last month I ovulated on my left side and no pregnancy. So...I will update again when I hear from my RE.

I used to want like 3 kids, but now it seems like just one would be a miracle. The whole thing is getting pretty depressing.

On the new path...

We went in yesterday to see Dr. Berger (had to change doctors bc of insurance) and it was very informative. A lot of new information to take in, but I feel good about what we are doing. She took us into her office and did a medical history on both of us. During that we talked about my painful periods and the likelihood that I may also have endometriosis. Gaylon's past surgery may have also caused him to have sperm antibodies. We had not heard of that, but it is basically when your body does not recognize sperm as part of your body and try to attack it. This causes antibodies to attach to the sperm and impair mobility and the ability for them to break through the egg. So he is going to have that tested this next week. Hopefully he is good to go and nothing is wrong there, bc if it is, we have to move on to IUI or IVF sooner.

So after our medical history she talked with us a little bit about a newer medication called Femara. She said many people who do not respond to Clomid may respond to Femara. This is a less expensive option to injectible hormones so we are going to try that first. We then did an ultrasound, which was much more detailed than the one I had before. Found a lot of fluid around my right ovary and a large cyst on my left. She is hoping that the cyst is one that will go away through this cycle, but we will have to check on it once I start my period to make sure. If it is gone, my blood work is normal, and Gaylon's semen analysis is good, I will start Femara next month while we finish up testing.

I will still need to have a Hysterosalpingogram done to check my fallopian tubes. It is where they put dye into your uterus and then you take an x-ray to see if you have any blockage. We could wait to start Femara until after this test, because if it shows I have blocked fallopian tubes, Femara won't do much for that. However, we decided to take a chance and start it concurrently with the HSG test.

So....sigh...lots of information...lots to do, but I feel like we are on the right path.

Summary:
This week- had appointment with Dr. Berger, set up semen analysis, and get blood work done.
When period comes: call Austin Radiological Association and set up HSG fallopian tube test, go back in to Dr. Berger and do ultrasound to check that the cyst on my left ovary is gone. (if gone get prescription for Femara and take it cd3-7)
CD 10: go in for HSG test

New Appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist

On Friday I got a call from my Ob/Gyn that I was not ovulating per my blood test on Thursday. She then referred me to Texas Fertility Center. Called them, they were so nice, and got really lucky. They have a new doctor, she is not new new, just new to their practice. She starts taking new patients this Monday. I was able to get in on Wednesday at 1:30. I am really excited about that because thought it would take a while and I would have to skip a cycle. So I am hoping that I get in and we can start something next cycle. :) I'll update again after Wednesday.

I hate Clomid! Ugh, with all the hot flashes you'd think it would be working!!

Well, I don't think month 3 on clomid worked (meaning no ovulation). Went in today for my blood test to see for sure but my temperatures have stayed low for too long. :( Ugh. I will let you know what Brittany tells me about my progesterone levels. Hoping she will call tomorrow and let me know so that I can call Texas Fertility and try to get an appointment asap. But I don't know how quick all that will go. Maybe I will just pregnant on a fluke this month............ probably not. Trying to stay positive...which is getting hard.

Okay so time for an update...

I have not been writing much but I think it is because I have been trying not to get too upset about all this. And sometimes I just don't want to talk about it, not even write about it in this blog. Last month I went in on cd21 for a progesterone test to see if I ovulated, I didn't. :( But in the back of my mind i was still like, maybe I did but it was after day 21 and I could still be pregnant. But I wasn't.

Started my period yesterday and went in to see my nurse Brittany. She's great, but I almost started crying while talking to her. She was very understanding and we talked about what the new plan was for this month. This is my last try for Clomid to work. I will be taking 150mg a day for 5 days and doing another progesterone test on cd 21 to test for ovulation. I am pretty much assuming this will not work, but she said it might. And if it does then I will do this dose for 2 additional cycles. But if this dose does not induce ovulation, then they will not give me any more. I will be then sent on to Texas Fertility to go on to the next step, which Brittany said would most likely be injectable hormones. She was very positive about my chances of getting pregnant on those, so that was good to hear at least.

So...fingers crossed for round 3.

Yesterday's Dr. Visit

Brittany (my nurse) was awesome yesterday. I always feel better after seeing them, they are wonderful and I always leave feeling like they are working hard to help me and we have a new plan of action.

This month's pregnancy plan: Double the dose of clomid to 100mg a day for 5 days. Going in on cd21 for progesterone testing to see if I am ovulating.
Wish me luck!

I will be cutting back on sugar and carbs again this month and trying to exercise more. I am feeling better and hopeful that this will be the IT month. I also found a great book called "A Few Good Eggs" by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan. It has helped me be more positive, they are incredibly easy to read, have funny stories and really great information. Highly recommended!

Did you know it is National Infertility Awareness Week?

National Infertility Awareness week is a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. It's something we don't talk about enough; get the facts, join the movement, and take charge https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/SPageServer?pagename=evt_niaw09_home

:( Not Pregnant

Well woke up at 3 am with extreme cramps, so not pregnant :( but I knew that. My temp was dropping the last two days, but it still sucks. Called my OB and have a clomid check visit on Thursday with her RN. I have to do this before I can get more meds, and I hope they up the dose because I am not sure 50mg was working. So I will write an update on Thursday. But until now I am just looking for the silver lining and hoping next month will be better.

Infertility SUCKS

I saw this blog entry on http://unfertility.blogspot.com/2008/07/why-infertility-sucks-pregnant-people.html and had to post it...so true.

"Why infertility sucks: Pregnant people.

Reason number two why infertility sucks.

There are things that everyone wants in their lives that they can't get.

You want to buy a house, but you can't afford it.

You want more than anything to be a doctor, to get in to Medical school.

You want to travel to Italy, to see that beautiful country.

You want to have a baby.

A dream is a dream. None are more worthwhile, more beautiful, than any other. Dreams are the precious heart's desires of someone, of anyone. My sympathy, it is boundless for those who want something, want to move on with their lives and reach a goal, live a dream, and who cannot for some reason.

With each kind of suffering, there is a certain uniqueness, a certain kind of pain that no other suffering faces. It's not a "worse" pain, it's not a more "noble" pain, and by the way that's a great way to alienate people, to tell them how much worse your suffering is than theirs. Because the thing is, no suffering is "worse" than any other. It's not a contest. Each miserable person is miserable in their own way.

The uniqueness, then, of the infertility suffering, is the constant bombardment on all sides of people who are having babies, who are getting the thing that you want, the thing that consumes you, that is always in the back of your mind, but that you can't have. Our pain is going into a bakery on a random Thursday afternoon and bumping into yet another friend giving you the news that they're pregnant, that the thing you want is the thing that they are getting. It's turning on the TV or open the latest gossip rag to see yet another flaky celebrity pregnancy rumour.

And you know, you don't begrudge them, you know that there's not a limited amount of fertility in the world. You know that someone else getting pregnant has no impact on whether you will get pregnant, but you still feel kicked in the gut that it was so easy for them, that it should be so easy for everyone, and yet another cycle, another month, another year is passing you by, and everyone else is doing what you wish so dearly you were doing but that you cannot do.

And the real kicker here is that you is not just hearing the stories of pregnancies, but the stories of unwanted pregnancies, of people who get pregnant and who don't want to be pregnant, for whom pregnancy is a disaster. And you aren't angry at the person, you know that every life is different and babies aren't for everyone, but you're angry at the universe for just not making sense...

But this, this constantly being surrounded by pregnant people, this is the pain that is unique to us. And we've learned to adapt. We get the "I'm pregnant!" announcements and we'll smile and say "congratulations" while we silently absorb a kick in the gut and try to extract ourselves conversation as quickly as possible, not willing to break down in front of them and become a massive downer while they want to celebrate their happy news, not wanting to face the sympathy in their faces when they say "So, any news with you....?" And we know we're being rude, but the thing is we don't *want* to make the pregnant person feel guilty by crying in front of them so we run, run as fast as we can in the other direction in order to not lose our shit publicly. Or we quickly change the channel or slap the magazine closed, wanting to watch or read about something other than babies, because babies consume everything that we do and it is just nice to do something that doesn't have anything to do with babies, to go to the bakery or turn on the TV and not have the reminder that someone else is pregnant and you are not at every turn.

So that's why infertility sucks: because the bottom line is, it [messes] with our ability to be happy for anyone else. It's totally perverse."


-

the slow wait...

Well it looks like all went okay, I did actually ovulate but not until day 24. So I guess doctors can be wrong sometimes, but I don't know if that means the Clomid is really working. So I don't know... Now we just have to wait till this weekend when we can take a pregnancy test. Time is going by pretty slow.

I am trying to be hopeful that it will be positive this month, but I don't know. I don't really "feel" pregnant. I know its early, but last time I was pregnant (even if it was just for 6 weeks) my boobs hurt SO bad!! And this time they don't at all. :( I am taking that as a bad sign, but then again I don't really remember when that all started. But I am VERY tired! It may be too early for that to be pregnancy related but it is bothersome for sure, and I am hopeful that it is an early sign. I have also really lost my appetite and my skin has broken out, and both of those things happened last time too.

SO who knows?! But as much as I want to be pregnant I am kinda thinking/feeling that I am not. I have to call the doctor next Tuesday if nothing has happened....

yay???

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou

I want to thank all my awesome family & friends for all the support, encouragement and prayers. I feel like they may have worked! I took my OPK this morning and it was negative, but I have been testing twice a day to be sure to catch the LH surge. And it was positive when I tested again at 7pm today. Yay?!? Maybe???

So thanks to all the well wishes I may be ovulating. The doctor said I would ovulate no later than cd21, today is day 22 and the positive opk means I will ovulate in the next 24-48 hours. So we'll see how tomorrow's test and temps go to be sure, but maybe the doctors are wrong an you can ovulate past day 21?

UGH...

Today is hard. I am pretty bummed. Gaylon and I have been ttc for 11 mos and no luck so far. Trouble started about 2 years ago when we first came back from China. I was off bc for a month or so because I could not get the refill over there. And I waited until I had a new job (insurance) to get back on it. But by that time my periods were all over the place. Each month they would get farther and farther apart. I went to see my PA to figure out the issue (each cycle was > 40 days, some close to 60).

After some blood tests I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I was put back on bc to regulate hormones and my cycle. Since we were just married that seemed to work fine because we were not trying to have children just yet. But we did decide to start trying June 09. Since I knew that I might have a hard time I was charting from the begining and hoping that maybe my doctor was wrong and it would be easy for me to get pregnant. After all it seemed like it was easy for everyone else I knew. My sister in law got pregnant while on bc and my mom says she got pregnant with me 6 weeks after getting off the pill. I have more than a few friends that got "accidentally" pregnant without even trying. Besides you are led to believe in sex ed classes that you would get pregnant the minute you have sex protected. WRONG!

I have learned that there is a science to baby making and I am getting my masters in it. First there is not a lot of time each month (make that hardly any) that you can actually get pregnant. Second, saliva, water, lube, they all inhibit sperm from even making it to their destination. And in my case when your cycle is long and there is only a 24 hour window every 40-60 days, my chances were very slim. But we tried hard for a while and then unexpectantly I saw >18 high temps on my cycle in November 09. This usually means that yay, you ovulated and are probably pregnant. I took about 3 tests and they were all negative, but still high temps and no period. I felt pregnant, my boobs hurt so bad. But then one Friday after school I was just going to use up my last test and I couldn't believe it- there was a faint pink line. I called my PA and was sent for a blood test. I found out on that Monday that I was pregnant! But by Wednesday morning I started cramping and bleeding very badly. We miscarried at 6 weeks. :(

Ugh... but we kept right on trying- no luck. I had started to cut out sugar from my diet and watch my carbs and was seeing my cycles become more regular. I had an appointment with an OB who specializes in infertility in January and was hoping for good news. In January I had more tests run and found out that I did have PCOS. But by the time we did all the tests it was March, and now I am on my first round of Clomid which started on 3/20/10. Taking 50mg days 5-9 and using OPKs and BBTs. The paper I was given says I will ovulate between cd 12-21.

Today is cd21 and nothing....all negative OPK (ovulation prediction kits) and I am even testing twice a day so I don't miss the LH surge. :( Temps are low with no rise at all. This morning I thought, maybe today will be the day...but no. :( Called my new doctors office- they are wonderful- and the nurse said that it sounds like I have not ovulated and I probably won't ovulate past day 21. :( :( But she was very sweet and understanding. I felt like she understood what a disappointment this was for me. She told me to just keep taking my morning temperature and using the OPKs and if I don't start my period by cd39 to call them. And of course if I do then to call them that day too so I can go in for a clomid check and get more meds I guess. But I will also bring my chart with me.

I was just excited because I really thought this would work for me. And even though my doctors had said that they were not sure I was even ovulating, I thought that maybe I was since I did get pregnant before. (I stopped charting after the miscarriage until I started clomid) So...sigh...UGH...

But on a better note, my friend Leticia just had a beautiful baby boy yesterday named Ryker. I was able to go see him and he is amazingly adorable! It was a good distraction and I'll be going by after work to see her and the baby again today. I feel like everyone around is pregnant but me...